Friday, April 11, 2014

New Beginnings...Again & Again...

I've been spending too much time asking myself..."who is Stephanie Vranich"?  Its crazy how life can get away from you and I'm finding myself questioning every possible inch of my being.  I've come up with several descriptions and while I write them down in my head, I then find myself coming back to that list and questioning what I thought the day before.  The more the days go by I feel like I have more big fat black lines going through those descriptions and I sink deeper and deeper into a dark hole.  I have no idea how or why I do this to myself (well, I have a little bit of an idea).  Overall what I come up with is hard.  Seriously, I had no idea that getting older would be this complicated.  I mean seriously can't we just learn life lessons in our 20s, move on and live the next 60+ years not making those mistakes we learned from?  I wish I would let my life be this uncomplicated, but overall I'm just a complicated person.  I'm realizing this is something I struggle with and rather than continue to run away from it, I need to embrace it and continue to learn better ways of coping and moving forward.  Sinking deeper into this darker hole is quite frankly...easier then deal with issues head on.

I'm realizing my biggest problem is the fact when I come across a new task or exciting moment I throw my whole being into it.  The euphoria is beyond amazing and I want it more and more.  I don't just give myself a little bit of excitement I seriously drop everything and only focus on what is making me shake with amazing joy.  You would think that's a great thing right?  Well, in my situation its simply not.  I tend to invest so much energy and emotion into a certain situation that I am 9 times out of 10 most likely simply too invested, it does eventually hurt my family & my true friends and most importantly I get taken advantage of which quite frankly tends to emotionally hurt in the end.  Listen, I like making other people happy and I go to great lengths to accomplish this. 

I can't apologize that I see myself as being a nice person, a giving person and an overwhelmingly emotional person.  I truly wear my heart on my sleeve and most times people probably think I'm slightly a little too much for them to handle, but I just can't help it...or can I?  This is the lesson I'm working on.  Its time to reel myself in and look at a situation from all angles, even realizing while I think something is beyond perfect for is it not?  It kills me thinking I have to change who I am, but in order to come to grips with the lessons I've learned in the past 7+ months its absolutely necessary.  I'm not saying this change can happen over night, but I sure as hell will continue making that descriptive list without big fat black lines going through them.  I just want to be happy and fill my dark hole with some pretty flowers and feel like I know who I am and be damn proud!